found – Page 3 – Office of Development (Flux Labs)

They expected nothing, for which they were grateful.

Did you have a reason for each of these esthetic choices, other than “just for the hell of it?”
Fuck no.

We usually tried to avoid his visits, which often felt weighted with some unspecified tension or grievance. Later I learned that throughout this period he’d been in dreadful pain, and that our times together had been among the few things that distracted him from his suffering.

A single truth the mind has broken into many.

She said, if you could kindly refrain from dropping objects where and when they cease to be of interest, it would greatly improve the lives of those around you.

His last words were, does fish sauce go in the refrigerator, but she didn’t hear them. She was in the shower.

The part that makes assumptions is the dumbest part of your brain.

They had gone so long without, a compliment would have destroyed them.

He may have been a shit, but he objected to the word “total.”

A surprisingly common admixture of spiritually adept and psychologically unaware.

That couple holding court over there, accomplished, attractive, older (my age?), she a composer and head of a department (the Composition Department, I would guess, if there is such a thing) and he a well-known painter, portraits of John Coltrane on black velvet, in kingly dress—I’d assumed undertaken with some irony, but having once mentioned this in his presence and receiving an embarrassed smile, as if he was embarrassed for me, apparently some internalized form of post-ironic sincerity.

When I am forced upon their radar, they regard me with a vague distaste that doesn’t quite come up to the level of dislike. I’ll show you later on—if we walk in that direction, the flurry of minute physical adjustments as they calculate whether they can safely avoid us without personal discomfort. Since the accident I’ve been pleased to detect a new note of fear in their uneasiness, as if I now represent the additional possibility of freakish misfortune that might befall anyone, no matter how charmed or lucky.

I bring this up because I owe my newfound awareness to you, the last time we met, when you mentioned that for you it would be hell on earth to know what other people really think of you. The way you said it, though, I got the impression that you really meant it would be hell on earth for me, and I haven’t been able to shake it.

I have a particularly ugly shirt reserved for days when I feel particularly ugly.

Increasingly, he’d been thinking about simplifying his life.
Increasingly, he’d been thinking about drinking.

1) Forced confluences of random or variable systems
2) Dislocation of expected boundaries in relation to contents

In an early draft she referred to him as “recessive to the point of nonexistent,” but then later edited him out.

Last night, the most wonderful dream: Dad still alive. It was all a mistake after all. He was standing in a sunny field. Tears streamed down my face. He smiled and held out his hand. He said: turn off your television. Stop your drinking. Put aside the things that do you no good.
·
Woke suddenly. Ringing in ears. Shortness of breath. Pain in chest, jaw, upper arm. Poured drink. Turned on television. Acceptance.

Woke up this morning and nearly wept at how lifelike everything was. Picked up a handful of dirt and just looked at it. I picked it up for you.
Every day I wake up to eternity. Tell me if I should keep writing,